The Dysfunctional Advice Columnist

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
I keep picking up men who have major problems. I’ll meet a nice man online, and he sounds great, and when we meet at the park bathrooms, all he wants is sex.
Dear Tom,
Please quit looking for a relationship in “casual encounters” on Craigslist.

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
My girlfriend comes home late every night with wads of unexplained cash. She’s never in the mood and sleeps all day. What can I do to fix this relationship? She’s a beautiful girl, and very outgoing.

Dear Pete,
I think you may be dating a hooker. Please read my special pamphlet (enclosed): How to know the girl’s a Ho.”
It might be a good idea to have yourself tested.

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
How come you always see the worst in people? I notice all your advice is very skewed toward thinking people are in bad relationships.

Dear Chris,
If you are writing an advice columnist for advice on your relationship, chances are pretty good you are in a bad relationship. And, in case you haven’t read the memo, people are no damn good.

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
My new boyfriend doesn’t like my cat. He says her breath smells funny. I refuse to brush my cat’s teeth. Do you think it’s wrong to choose the cat over the boyfriend?

Dear Jean,
This is too easy. Choose the cat.
Bet you thought I was going to say something about your smelly pussy, you troll.

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
My girlfriend shaves every morning with my razor. I”ve asked her to stop, but she insists she isn’t doing it. The sink is always filled with hair.
Dear Henry,
Do you know what she is shaving? Are you sure she is a she? I’d be tempted to set up a camera and see. In the meantime, hide your razors.

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
My girlfriend bought a ten inch dildo. Should I be worried?

Dear James,
It depends. Has she tried to use it on you?

Dear Dr. Marvelo,
My grandmother has recently started dating her male caregiver. Geraldo is twenty-five, and my grandmother is eighty. Should we be worried?

I’m not sure who should be worried here. Is Grandma well off? Then I would be worried. If she’s not, I suppose Geraldo’s people are the ones who should be worried.